Memoirs
by Invalid String
Summary: The therapist said that writing about his feelings in a little blue book would make Kakashi feel a whole lot better. Kakashi didn't think so.
1. Prologue

"I think it's a simple case of post-traumatic stress." The therapist pushed his wire-framed glasses up his nose and stared directly at the blonde-haired ninja. "He'll be fine, but to speed up his healing, I suggest keeping a journal for everyday uses." Minato Namikaze and his prized student Kakashi Hatake stood in the carpet covered room with the therapist. The blonde looked down at his student who stood quietly while he and the therapist, a man by the name of Genji Takayuma, conversed.

"A journal?" Kakashi asked quietly. Genji nodded and handed the young boy a blue book and a pen.

"Document all your feelings, thoughts, etcetera in here and at the end of the year, you can come back here and I'll reevaluate my diagnosis." Genji replied, patting him on the shoulder.

"Go on home now, Kakashi. You can report for training a little later than usual tomorrow. Get some rest." Minato gave the silver-haired boy a light push towards the door. Once he was gone, Minato turned to Genji. "There's more, isn't there." Genji nodded morosely.

"Unfortunately, yes. I have also diagnosed him with sociopathic tendencies as well as psychopathic tendencies. He also seems to have night terrors. This can all be related to his chosen career or the war, I'm not sure, but either way, don't let it get out of hand. Young Kakashi has seen a lot and it's certainly not good for his social skills or brain development."

"What can I do to help him?" Minato asked. "All ninjas are somewhat psychopathic considering we kill for a living, but night terrors? Sociopathic tendencies?" His nervous tick, biting his nails, was back.

"Minato-sama, there's not much you can do. The journal is not only for his benefit but for mine as well. It will allow me to understand his young mind and better help him." Genji began to walk Minato to the door. "He'll be fine, Minato-sama."

* * *

**Hello readers! IS here. This is my newest project. I've been learning about trench warfare in history class (shudder, it's really awful) and after reading some memoirs, I got to thinking. What if Kakashi wrote about his experience in the Third Shinobi World War? This is my creation! Enjoy**


	2. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

**September 7**

I'm trying this out, not sure how it will work.

Genji-san says I have post-traumatic stress disorder.

I think he wants to be paid.

War's brutal, yes, but I'm a ninja and a ninja must face anything.

I can't let a little PTSD get in my way.

-Kakashi


	3. Found Out

**September 8**

I don't know why I do this.

Do you?

Of course you don't, you're a book.

Why am I talking to you?

Anyway, Minato-sensei found my first journal entry.

It's a journal entry, not a diary for the record.

He said I needed to write more about my feelings and less about stupid things

But those were my feelings, Minato-sensei!

I promised him that I would write a little bit more about the war and what happened, but I don't think I'm ready yet.

Stupid things, che.

-Kakashi


	4. Fairy Tails Never End Well

**September 9**

So this is my attempt at a longer journal (not diary) entry:

Once upon a time there was a ninja named Kakashi. He came from a family of ninjas so of course, he would become a ninja when he was older. But times were rough, and his village was in a war, so when Kakashi graduated the Academy, he was sent straight out with his teammates, the boisterous Obito and the lovely Rin. Kakashi was forced to kill many people by the time he turned six, and it affected him. No longer was he the genin that graduated at age five into the war, but he was the Chuunin that gained a field promotion for his ability to kill. Then he became a Jounin and everything went sideways. His father, a highly famed ninja nicknamed the White Fang committed suicide after a failed mission and Kakashi swore to always live by the ninja rules. Then he was sent on a mission with his teammates Obito and Rin and everything went wrong. Obito was crushed and Rin captured. Once Rin was recovered, she begged young Kakashi to kill her, but he refused. Eventually, Rin placed herself in the way of Kakashi's Chidori and was impaled through the heart. Kakashi lived forever after with a guilty conscience. The end.

Rin…

-Kakashi


	5. Diversion's Only a Three-Syllable Word

**September 10**

What's a man's life worth? Amidst smoke, fire, kunai, and shuriken. I don't think it was worth much. Able-bodied men and women thrown into needless slaughter…

A horrifying sight.

We were nothing more than a diversion, being sent in and doing the jobs no one wanted. Being sent in so the older, more experienced ninjas could plan and carry out their attacks. But we did those jobs proudly. We did them with the belief that we can fight a war to stop a war. A convoluted idea. A convoluted idea indeed.

-Kakashi

* * *

**Ahh, inspiration. I'm posting another chapter tonight as a little present because, hey, who doesn't love presents?**


	6. Psycopathia

**September 11**

It was genocide, but genocide of the worst kind: a pre-meditated one. My team and I had arrived in a small rebel village to give aide to the villagers who were launching an attack on the main supply storage center for Suna's civilian populace. We were met with the sight of hundreds of men, women, and children, all dead. Rin begged Minato-sensei to help them, help whomever was still breathing, and sensei said to know when something or someone is worth saving. All the while, Obito was strangely silent. I didn't know why, though. He had seen dead people; he had killed people; that's just what war is. It certainly hadn't fazed me at all.

-Kakashi

* * *

**IS here! You start to get the feeling or idea about Genji's assessment on Kakashi. I know the last few chapters have been deep, but thrown in the mix will be some lighter chapters. **


	7. Always Follow the Ninja Code

**September 12**

All night long the wounded came back with tales of those still out there. The bodies were quickly piling up in the morgue, and sensei had volunteered as help in the hospital. Rin was healing minor wounds and Obito and I were muscle, moving dead people from the rooms to the morgue. All of the people I graduated with had come back injured – except for Gai. Although he wasn't my friend at the time, I did enjoy his company and often found myself wishing for his safety. Two days later, sensei told me he was M.I.A. I wanted to go after him, but I didn't want to break the ninja code. I swore on my father's dead body that I wouldn't. So I didn't.

-Kakashi


	8. Blankie

**September 13**

I found a box under my bed the other day, and thought it appropriate to look at the contents.

Writing about the war had taken a lot out of me, especially retelling Obito and Rin's death.

They're still tender points.

In the box was a blue blanket with my name stitched in the corner.

When did I ever get a blanket like that?

I think it was from my mother.

That brings another tender point to me.

All of my family is dead.

Nearly all of my friends are dead.

Strangely enough, I don't feel anything.

Or maybe I don't know what it feels like to be whole.

Hmm, contemplation.

-Kakashi


	9. The Dating Scene

**September 14**

Mitarashi Anko came to my apartment yesterday wondering if I wanted to grab lunch with her, Kurenai and Asuma.

I politely declined, saying I wasn't hungry.

She didn't take no for an answer.

Che, annoying.

Minato-sensei came by yesterday, too, wondering if I wanted to train with him.

I politely declined, saying I was tired.

He didn't take no for an answer.

I then told him that I had lunch plans with Anko, and he insisted on taking pictures of my first "date".

It wasn't a date, Minato-sensei.

I can't date after Rin's death.

It hurts too much.

-Kakashi


	10. Appropriately Distant

**September 15**

It's 0200 in the morning on September 15 and I cannot sleep whatsoever. I woke up screaming and thrashing in a cold sweat. Images from the war constantly flashed through my head, especially Obito's death. I don't think I'm ready to relive Obito's death yet.

I had talked with Anko the other day and she decided it was high time someone "knocked some sense into me", whatever that means. She claims that I have been alienated from the rest of my comrades for far too long.

I certainly don't think so.

I've been appropriately distant.

-Kakashi


	11. Tinnitus

**September 17**

I can't sleep.

Wait, why did I just write that down?  
And that?

Oh, never mind.

There's a constant ringing in my ears and it won't stop.

I've tried everything, but it won't go away.

I've been thinking lately about the war. When I was out there, there were a lot of things I saw. Veterans say that once you see war, you're never really the same. I'd have to agree with them.

An image keeps sticking out in my mind. There was a mission – I shall not divulge the contents of said mission for this journal might land in the wrong hands – and on that mission, my team and I came face-to-face with a new genin team, hardly out of the academy. They were delivering a scroll to Iwa, and Konoha couldn't let the scroll land in their hands. We had to take them out. Upon arriving at the scene, we saw them screaming for mercy among the stumps of trees; they dodged and darted. Another team had ambushed them and their sensei was dead. We watched as they were killed and the scroll burned. One of them was screaming for his mother, clutching at his knees and crying. The image had been burned into my brain, never to leave. Children should really train more.

-Kakashi


	12. War Will End Us

**September 18**

I remember one day, Minato-sensei had come to training very sad.

I was not sure why, but when we asked him, he simply replied, "The remedy is worse than the disease," and had us train extra hard. I did not know what he meant until now.

On another mission, we had to find a deserter.

Once we found him, Minato-sensei said to take him into custody, but the boy refused.

I think he was a Chuunin.

He said that he would rather die than return to fight a hopeless war.

We had to honor his wishes, and Minato-sensei had Obito kill him.

His last words were chilling, "War will end us."

-Kakashi

* * *

**September 18th is my birthday! First quote is a common Latin saying (Aegrescit medendo) and the second quote said by H.G. Wells. Sorry about the late update! Fanfiction was _not _loading on my computer yesterday, I have no clue why.**


	13. Imagination

**September 19**

Today was a day of tragedy.

Today was the day that Gai came back.

It doesn't seem like much of a tragedy, but the way he came back was.

He came back on a stretcher. His facial features did nothing to aide me in discerning who he was.

His face was red, blistered and bleeding; cuts littered his face and large bruises swelling to sizes I never thought possible.

It was most horrendous.

The doctors said he had been poisoned.

The doctors said he never would really be the same.

He was always an unusual child, always preaching about 'youth' or something, but when he woke up, I never knew the extent.

Every day he was training from sunrise to sunset.

His new outfit consisted of a skintight green tracksuit (he tried to get me to wear it once, but I beat him to the ground for suggesting such a thing).

Every time anyone asked him about what happened, he would clam up, and we were left to wonder.

A ninja can use his imagination.

I certainly did.

-Kakashi

* * *

**Cause I'm in such a great mood today, here's another chapter! **


	14. Hail to the King

**September 20**

I really hated the infiltration missions.

Assassination missions were my favorite; get in there, kill your target, get out.

They weren't so bad until I had to infiltrate Kunshugakure.

Kunshugakure was a small ninja village on the border of Earth Country by the water.

There had been some rumors that the leader of Kunshugakure, the King, had been engaged in illegal dealings with the Kazekage of Sunagakure and we had to check it out.

Minato-sensei thought it smart to send in _me _with my bright _silver _hair and almost identical look to my _father_.

Yeah, real smart.

Anyway, as I got there, I realized that Kunshugakure was a complete and utter dictatorship.

The King had everyone in an iron grip and people were dying, but he didn't care. He sat on his throne of gold and bathed in riches while his village was struggling to keep up with his harsh demands.

In the end, I killed him anyway, but I really learned to hate infiltration missions.

While there, I met a little boy just like Obito.

He was outgoing, a loudmouth, and arrogant, but I kind of liked him.

One day, the King had sent his soldiers in to capture him and sentence him to a hanging _because he stole a sack of flour_.

_A sack of flour!_

The kid was trying to feed his family and he died because of it.

Yeah, _hail to the king._

-Kakashi


	15. Bubbles Are Deadly

**September 21**

I had never been injured before on a mission.

Not until one day.

We had been investigating a rumor about an attack staged by Kiri on a small civilian village somewhere in the forests near Konoha.

Who would attack a civilian village?

War's brutal.

Anyway, we busted the attack, but they had another group who were going to attack. Minato-sensei had me and Obito take them out, but we weren't enough.

We ambushed them, but we didn't think that they had anyone over high Chuunin level.

Oh no, they _had _to send the Jinchuuriki of the Six-Tailed Beast.

Obito and I took out the two other ninjas easily, but then the Jinchuuriki attacked.

I couldn't help Obito, and I felt so helpless.

Eventually, after much beating to his face and body, I was able to intercede and begin fighting the Jinchuuriki, but I took a blow to the cheek trying to divert his attention from my helpless teammate.

For a split-second, I had looked over to make sure Obito was safe, and I paid for it. A bubble came floating my way and as soon as it reached within a few inches of my face, it popped and a bright explosion filled my vision. I substituted with a log, but not before the explosion blinded one of my eyes and caused the whole right side of my face to blister and bleed. I managed to subdue him and get out of there, but by the time we reached Rin and Minato-sensei, I was ready to collapse and Obito was out cold. I don't remember much after that, but I know that it took Rin a few hours to at least make my situation stable. Thanks Rin…

I miss her.

-Kakashi


	16. Grocery Shopping

**September 22**

Only the dead have seen the end of war.

Nightmares haunt my every sleeping and waking moment. I can't get the visions of my comrades lying dead on the battlefield, bleeding out or writhing in pain out of my head.

I will never forget what I have seen.

Ever.

Minato-sensei and I had a mission; it was a simple D-rank, I had to pick up some grocery for Watanabe-san, who is too sick to do it herself. Minato-sensei suggested that I do a few D-ranks to get myself adjusted to socializing with the civilians and he agreed to accompany me for the first couple missions.

Even through this whole ordeal, I couldn't get my mind off of the slaughter that I suffered through.

Oh well.

I suppose I won't be sleeping tonight.

-Kakashi

* * *

**Quote by George Santayana**


	17. Disorder and Chaos

**September 23**

I had to see Genji-san today for a check-up.

He asked me what my most recent dream was, and I responded that I was in a war, but it wasn't the recent war.

No, it was a whole different one where it was I against a whole army of faceless people.

Genji-san then proceeded to explain to me what exactly dreaming of war means.

He said that it signifies disorder and chaos in my life and that I am experiencing internal conflict or emotional struggle.

What disorder and chaos?  
Every morning I wake up and follow through with my daily routine and then go to bed.

There is never any disorder in my life at all.

I make sure of that.

-Kakashi


	18. Bonds Never Bode Well

**September 24**

I have realized that I'm not very good at this whole 'write my feelings down' thing.

Maybe its because I don't want to relive anything that happened.

Or maybe its because I'm not a feeling kind of person.

I'd like to blame it on being a ninja.

We aren't allowed to show much emotion.

Or any at all, really.

On the battlefield, any display of emotion could get you killed.

If you show that you care for your teammates more than the standard kind of thing and your opponent finds out about that, well, you get the idea.

I've seen _mere children _get killed because they're too attached to their teammates.

It's bloody.

Real bloody.

-Kakashi


	19. The Cost of Valor

**September 25**

Most of us hadn't even killed a person by the time the war started.

There weren't many full on battles; the head of the war strategies was adamant that there would be no frontal attacks until he felt that we were all ready.

It took one month before we went face-to-face with Kiri. Most of the forces had never been in a war before. It took roughly eight hours, but we forced Kiri back

To most of us, the weary victory was worth celebrating and that night we drank and sang in honor. To others, it was a solemn affair. They gathered the dead and burned them much like a pyre. It gave the rest of us something to fight for.

The cost of valor is high.

-Kakashi


	20. The Dirt Whispered

**September 26**

Graveyard duty.

Every team gets a chance to stay in Konoha for a period of time because the leaders realized that you couldn't keep us fighting all the times.

But that doesn't mean we don't do work.

Rin was helping in the hospital.

Obito was organizing weapons.

And I was on graveyard duty.

In sallow-grey and other ashen hues, the bodies in twisted poses, a ghastly look on their faces.

War is death all around.

-Kakashi

* * *

**20 chapters, woot woot! Sorry this one is so short...**

**As for amount of chapters, I was planning to have him go through the rest of September and half of October before I will skip to the end.**

**That means 20 more chapters. **

**Love you reviewers! **

**-Invalid String**


	21. Yellow Birds

**September 27**

Have you ever seen a man die?

What's more, have you ever killed a man?

Your family may be proud, you mother so happy because you lined up and made people crumple. They might try to kill you, too, so what? What are you going to say, what are you going to do?

It really doesn't matter.

So why not just find a spot and curl up because it was cowardice that made you sign up.

And really, cowardice got you into this mess of a war because you wanted to be a man.

-Kakashi

* * *

**Theme from my English class's World War One Literature Study.**


	22. Pacifism

**September 28**

A siege is a military blockade of a city or a fortress with the intention of conquering.

Konohagakure would never attempt a siege.

But other countries might.

A siege is not a good thing.

Cities suffer, forces suffer, civilians suffer…

Civilian warfare is the worst kind of warfare.

Why would you wage war on civilians when they did nothing wrong to you?

Needless deaths, endless bloodshed,

I think I'm becoming a pacifist.

-Kakashi


	23. Years Away

**September 29**

Lately I've been feeling, distant, from the rest of my teammates.

Minato-sensei says it's because of the PTSD.

It's a weird feeling, like I've been missing for years and I have years worth of gaps to make up.

I was out with Gai and we ran into Kurenai and Anko.

Immediately Gai starts hitting on Kurenai.

Gai has _never _liked Kurenai.

She shot him down, of course, but still, when did this happen?

Then, Anko started joking around with Gai and Kurenai.

Asuma then joined us.

They were one big happy group of friends, but what was I?

I stood off to the side, feelings of estrangement, alienation, and detachment swirling inside of me.

Minato-sensei says I should make more of an effort to talk to them, but I just can't bring myself to.

I just cant.

-Kakashi


	24. Snakes and Angry Purple-Haired Girls

**September 30**

Anko blew up in my face… again.

She and I were chatting about being orphans, and I merely commented on how her parents left her alone very early in life.

She told me sadly that they didn't leave her, they died in battle.

I told her either way that they weren't around and she had parent issues.

Not to mention her sensei is a creepy snake sannin.

She got extremely angry with me, yelling something along the lines of, "Orochimaru-sensei is like a father to me and he is the greatest ever!" etcetera, etcetera.

She demanded that I apologize to her for implying that her parents wanted to leave her and for insulting 'Orochimaru-sensei".

I don't think I needed to apologize to her.

I didn't do anything wrong.

-Kakashi


	25. Cold Decay

**October 1**

I'd have to say, I'm surprised I lasted this long already with the journal-writing thing. But then again, I'm surprised I survived the war, so…

Obito.

Obito Uchiha.

Uchiha Obito.

My best friend.

There are a lot of things about him that I want to remember, and not many things I wish to forget.

But we have to start somewhere, ne?

Graduation Day.

I was placed on a team with Nohara Rin and Uchiha Obito under the tutelage of Namikaze Minato. We were an okay team; I was leagues ahead of my teammates, but Minato-sensei said to give them a chance to get better.

Rin was a caring person, and when Obito and I argued, she would act as peacemaker.

Obito was always late. But he was passionate about his goals.

All these memories of Obito swirl in my brain as I visit the memorial stone each and every day, but they sit and wait.

Like memories in cold decay.

-Kakashi

* * *

**Hi! I just got back from Spring Break; it was amazing! Hope your spring break was great too. - IS**


	26. Definition of Love

**October 2**

I held on too much to Rin, but I can't really let her go.

I loved her too much.

I love her too much.

Codename Ice was a secret plan that Minato-sensei, Rin and I had enacted a long time ago to find the Gates of Glory where a Kiri national treasure was hidden.

Unusual name for a pair of gates.

They were unimposing, a ruddy color etched in dark brown kanji. Over an over was the kanji for fire, and I never knew why.

I also didn't know why it was called Codename Ice when it was clearly a fire gate, but that's a spiel for another day.

Rin was severely hurt here. A trap had been sprung and she was burned.

My heart nearly burst when I saw the damage.

Ever since then, she had a scar on her stomach from where the worst of the burns happened.

Love is a ninja's downfall.

-Kakashi


	27. Staying Up

**October 3**

I couldn't sleep again.

I've been lying awake for hours, watching the second hand tick by on the clock.

Nightmares are common occurrences in my life.

Insomnia even more so.

How can I sleep if I don't dream?

Genji-san asserts that PTSD is the cause of trauma that is life threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well being of an individual.

He also asserts that most people with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeals through thoughts, memories, or even dreams.

He says it's common for people diagnosed with PTSD to suffer from insomnia or even nightmares.

He then proceeded to ask me how I felt about the war, how the killing of people affected me.

I was confused; I felt no guilt or remorse from doing my duty.

He frowned – apparently it was the wrong answer.

-Kakashi


End file.
